This is What I Did Page 3

  At first.

  But then they figured it out.

  They were already worried about me enough and Mom had the pregnancy and Dad had the new mortgage and there were so many things.

  I was always the one they were worried worried worried about and I was always the one I heard them talking talking talking about.

  They thought Judge was the answer to everything and Zyler.

  I sort of wanted them to think that, too, so I tried not to stay in my room so long and I talked more and I did Scouts and I told Mom I was fine.

  I didn’t want them to know about Bruce or Toby or Luke.

  Mom says I should hang out with Mack and Ryan.

  She sometimes comes in my room and says things like: They love you and they want to hang out with you.

  Me:

  Mom: You guys used to go play basketball and run around.

  Me: Not really.

  Mom: Yes.

  Me:

  Mom: And Ryan was just saying the other day how much he wished you would do stuff with the two of them more.

  I knew she was making that up. Ryan and Mack didn’t need me. They did everything together and they were always doing sports or talking to Dad about the NBA or NFL or NHL. Or about how they got in trouble at school. Dad would act mad but then I knew he thought they were maybe cool like him.

  So I said to Mom: I’m fine.

  But I know she didn’t leave it alone because a couple hours later Ryan comes walking in my room without even knocking.

  Ryan: What’s up, dork?

  Me: Nothing.

  Ryan: Why do you sit down here all the time?

  Me: Where’s Mack?

  Ryan: Helping Dad with something.

  Me:

  Ryan:

  Me:

  Ryan: Okay. I think I’m going to go back upstairs.

  And then he left.

  When we were younger Ryan fell out of a tree and broke his arm. It was only the three of us at home and I was in charge and we didn’t know what to do.

  Ryan was bawling and bawling: It hurts so bad. I can’t move it. It hurts so bad.

  Mack was just sitting next to him in the grass staring at the bone.

  At first I didn’t know what to do.

  I was scared.

  But then I did this:

  I told Ryan it was going to be okay.

  I told Mack to talk to Ryan rather than just sit and stare.

  I called Mom on her cell but she didn’t answer.

  I called Dad at work but he didn’t answer.

  And then I called 911 and said: My brother has fallen out of a tree and I think he broke his arm.

  I was outside on the cordless phone and the lady told me what to do:

  To see if he was in shock.

  To see if he was bleeding.

  To see if he was cold.

  To see if it hurt anywhere else.

  I said: Ryan, you have to stop crying, okay?

  And he did.

  And then I checked for everything.

  Mom came home right then and we all went to the hospital and it was going to be okay.

  While we were in the waiting room Mack said: It’s a good thing Logan was there.

  Mom looked at me and smiled.

  That’s how I used to be.

  Now I don’t do anything.

  Here’s how I met Zyler: At school in Mrs. Frazier’s fourth grade class.

  Here’s why: We were made partners for a diorama project where you have to re-create an old village or civilization in a big cardboard box with sticks and action figures and stuff and then write a report on the people.

  Here’s what I was when I found out my assignment: Sort of scared.

  Here’s why: Zyler moved in in the middle of the year and he was so tough because you could just tell.

  I mean, he wore T-shirts that had all these bands on them and I don’t know any bands or anything, and he also had some really funny T-shirts that said things like “Get out of my face, bucket of nerd pus.” And on it was this huge bucket with green and yellow stuff coming out of it, plus stuff like broken eyeglasses and bow ties.

  And at recess he didn’t play kickball or anything.

  He just drew stuff.

  Or he’d run really fast around the playground over and over.

  He was the fastest in our grade for sure.

  And pretty strong — forty-seven pull-ups in the presidential PE challenge.

  I could do four.

  So at first none of us guys ever talked to him really.

  But the girls did.

  Girls always liked Zyler.

  So anyway, Mrs. Frazier assigned us together for the diorama and I was going to ask her to switch me but then Zyler came up to me and said: So what should we do it on?

  Me:

  Zyler:

  Me:

  Zyler:

  Me:

  Zyler:

  Me: I don’t know.

  Zyler: What about on the Japanese samurai?

  We were best friends ever since.

  Until now.

  Dad keeps talking about Scouts.

  And even Mack and Ryan talk about it.

  I don’t.

  Yesterday I drank another one of my mom’s weight-loss shakes.

  Actually, they’re not really hers.

  She doesn’t need weight-loss shakes because she’s about to have the baby, but my dad does so she buys them and then she never says she got them for him because Dad gets mad or “self-conscious.”

  Mom told me that awhile ago when we were at Costco and she was buying them.

  Me: Why are you getting those?

  Mom: They’re delicious.

  Me: Are you trying to lose weight?

  Mom: Maybe.

  And I was suspicious because even though we could never get Coke or Twinkies or good stuff like that, she usually lets us have raisin oatmeal cookies or the chicken wings with ranch or some normal stuff.

  This time she said no.

  No junk whatsoever.

  Just the usual no-sugar cereals, soy milk, spinach, apples, and fish.

  But then weight-loss shakes?

  Me: Are these for me?

  She stopped the cart and looked all serious at me.

  Mom: Logan, no. Are you kidding? You’re a growing boy.

  Me: Mmmph . . .

  Mom: Do you think you need to lose weight? Do you feel fat?

  Me: No, Mom. Sheesh.

  Two girls walked by looking at us. Crapstock.

  Mom: Well, you’re not. You’re not fat. You are a growing boy.

  Me: Hmmph.

  Mom: These are for your dad. He’s eating way too much these days and it’s not good for him.

  Me: Okay.

  I didn’t want to talk about the stupid drinks anymore.

  Mom: Haven’t you noticed?

  I didn’t say anything.

  Mom: Your father is very self-conscious these days. He’s even getting private around me and that’s really big for your father.

  Gross. Gross and I wanted her to just stop talking.

  But she wouldn’t.

  Mom: We can’t tell him these are for him. He really is acting strange. The other night he couldn’t stop talking about his weight and his . . .

  I cut her off.

  Me: Mom — I have to go use the bathroom.

  And I was gone.

  I thought I maybe saw Cami’s dad in the parking lot of Costco so I tried to hide.

  I know he hates me like he hates Zyler.

  He probably thinks we’re the same.

  After Costco, my mom and I saw Bruce and Toby and Luke and girls like Carmen and Vanessa and Mallory at the mall.

  She saw them first and then I saw them.

  We walked faster and they didn’t even know we were there.

  Mom is pretty cool sometimes.

  Laurel is a pirate in Peter Pan.

  She looked up when she sang.

  And she has a really pretty
voice.

  She has to wear a lot of dark makeup around her eyes for the part.

  She does it even though we aren’t close to dress rehearsal or anything like that.

  It helps her get into character.

  I heard her tell Ms. March that.

  Some people think it’s kind of dumb — “overboard like always,” they say.

  But

  Ms. March said to Laurel: Good for you, Laurel.

  I don’t know what a Lost Boy wears yet.

  Zyler’s dad has tattoos on his arms.

  But I know that tattoos don’t mean you’re bad.

  My uncle Phil has tattoos all over the place and he’s the best uncle. He isn’t married and he always goes all over on trips to take pictures for different magazines. Whenever he visits he has the coolest stories and stuff to give us.

  His tattoos are cool.

  Zyler’s dad’s aren’t.

  He’s an electrician and if he wants he can make a lot of money.

  He has a big big big truck.

  He’s mad all the time but Zyler says not all all the time.

  He swears a lot.

  He hates it when you talk when he’s watching TV or when you leave the light on anywhere.

  He really hates lights on.

  He lives with Zyler and sometimes Sharon and he always brought different girls home and Zyler always wanted to sleep over at our house because he hated it there — mostly.

  Sometimes he could sleep over and sometimes he couldn’t.

  Sometimes his dad wanted him to stay and get drinks and food for all his friends and to be there in case they needed more.

  Or sometimes he just wanted him to stay because . . .

  Zyler’s dad: You’re my freaking son and you’ll do what the freak I say.

  Only he doesn’t go soft and say “freak.”

  Here’s when I met Zyler’s dad: Not for a long time until like the summer after fourth.

  Here’s why: When we had to do the diorama thing, we always did it at my house. Zyler said we couldn’t go over to his or anything.

  Zyler even lived really close to me and we’d ride bikes to school or walk home, but I still never went inside his house.

  But then one day in the summer Zyler said: We can hang out at my house if you want.

  Me: Okay.

  The reason we could I found out was because Zyler’s dad was gone on a contract for three days and Sharon-with-a-boyfriend was going to the lake with her friends.

  Zyler: My family is sort of weird.

  Me: Oh.

  Zyler: That’s why it’s better to come here only if no one is home.

  Me: Okay.

  The house was sort of really messy with stuff all over.

  Not like our house and the chores and can’t leave for school until your bed is made.

  But there was also all this expensive stuff like sound equipment and a motor from a car his dad was working on and then all these trophies.

  There was one really big trophy.

  Me: Whoa, what is that for?

  Zyler: That’s Dad’s motocross trophy.

  So Zyler’s house was pretty cool.

  And Zyler really wanted me to come over so I could see his new flying squirrel.

  Zyler: My dad got it from this breeder guy for, like, three hundred bucks.

  Me: Three hundred bucks? Are you serious?

  Zyler: Yeah, and he said he’ll buy a girl for it and we can sell the babies if I want.

  Me: That’s sick.

  Zyler: What is?

  Me: Making the squirrels do it and everything.

  Zyler: It’s not sick — it’s money, man.

  And I guess yeah. But I still thought it was sick.

  Zyler had the squirrel, an iguana, a boa constrictor, and a cat that we both hated because it was so stupid, but it was Sharon’s cat.

  I couldn’t believe how much stuff Zyler had and the pets and the posters and the CDs and the video games with his own TV in his room and everything.

  Me: Your room is so awesome. I can’t believe your dad lets you have all this stuff and pets and everything.

  Zyler: Yeah. It’s pretty cool.

  But just then we heard a loud something pull up. And it was Zyler’s dad in his big big big truck.

  Zyler looked out the window and then said: Crap, you gotta go. He’s home early and he doesn’t look good.

  Me: What?

  Zyler: You gotta get out of here.

  But I didn’t get it and I had the iguana on my neck and so I tried to hurry but then that’s when I met Zyler’s dad.

  And he was yellow eyeballs and hitting the wall.

  He was mad at Zyler for some reason I didn’t understand.

  And he told me to get the hell out of their house.

  I found out later that sometimes Zyler’s dad was okay.

  But most of the time not okay.

  Almost never okay.

  Practically never okay.

  But there was one other time, and this really is true, when Zyler called me and this —

  Zyler: Hey, what are you doing?

  Me: Nothing.

  Zyler: Well, my dad wants to take us to the Nickelcade. Can you go?

  Me: Really?

  Zyler: Yeah, and I bet he’ll take us to eat after. He’s in a really good mood and he said we can stay as long as we want.

  Me: I don’t know.

  Zyler: Please, Logan. He said you could come. He even said to invite you and he’s really good at pinball. You should see him.

  Me: Okay. I’ll see if I can and then come over.

  But then I went upstairs with my coat on and Mom saw me and: Where are you going?

  I thought about lying but I didn’t and then Mom said: No way. I’m not letting you go anywhere alone with that man.

  Me: Come on, Mom. Just this once.

  Mom: No way.

  So I didn’t get to go.

  Zyler said his dad got the high score on all the pinball machines plus Mortal Kombat, Rad Racer, and Metroid. The highest score of all at the Nickelcade.

  Not everything in Scouts was bad.

  We did a lot of different things and some of them I really liked.

  Like KNOTS.

  I can do a water knot, a munter hitch, a square knot, and a bowline knot.

  I can do all of these faster and better than anyone else.

  Jack was impressed.

  Jack: Wow, Logan. You are our knot expert. Look at this, guys.

  The six other guys, including you-know-whos, looked at me and at my rope.

  Bruce: So what?

  Jack: Bruce, look at your rope and then look at Logan’s. Keep your mouth shut if you can’t back it up.

  Bruce shrugged. He didn’t even get the clove hitch, let alone the prussic.

  That day was probably the best in Scouts.

  And it was in the beginning.

  Like our second pack meeting, so Jack thought I was pretty smart and maybe a good Scout. I was glad because I thought that might keep Bruce and them away from me.

  But Jack liking me didn’t really last.

  Bruce is too smart for that.

  I couldn’t believe it.

  Dr. Benson in the Towers was a trap.

  After Mom went in there for a while and I had been sitting there staring at fish because Highlights sucked, Dr. Jim Benson came out and said: Logan, why don’t you come join us.

  The room was like this:

  A big window with a view of the mountains.

  A big desk with everything set out on it very even.

  A chair for the doctor that was like what you’d think.

  Two leather chairs and one my mom was in.

  A couch over by another door that was maybe for a bathroom.

  Pictures of smiling dogs and kids and Ansel Adams photos all over.

  Books.

  I sat down.

  Dr. Benson: Logan, do you know why you are here?

  Me: No.

  Dr. Ben
son: Okay. That’s what your mother told me.

  Me:

  Dr. Benson: I’m a counselor.

  Me:

  Dr. Benson: Your parents thought it’d be a good idea if you and I talked now and then.

  Me:

  No way no way no way no way no way no way no way no way no way no way

  Dr. Benson: Would that be okay with you?

  I looked at my mom. She nodded and smiled.

  Unbelievable.

  Dr. Benson: It’s your turn to talk now, Logan.

  Me:

  Mom: Honey, it’s okay.

  Me:

  I had to get out of there.

  Mom: Honey?

  She was staring at me and tried to take my hand. I moved away.

  Me:

  Dr. Benson: You know what? It’s okay. You don’t have to talk this first time.

  Me:

  Dr. Benson: How about I’ll just talk.

  And then he stared at me and stared at me and then finally

  Dr. Benson: My name is Dr. Jim Benson and I am forty-eight years old. I have three children and I love baseball and eating. I also like to go boating. Have you ever been boating before, Logan?

  Unbelievable.

  Mom: Umm, no. We don’t have a boat or anything. But he has been down a river before, haven’t you, Logan?

  That’s when I got up and walked out. I just walked out.

  I didn’t stop in the waiting room either. I didn’t stop in the hall. I didn’t stop down in the lobby. I didn’t even stop at the car. I just kept going. But soon I was running. I sort of ran up the hill.

  A hill.

  I didn’t know where I was exactly except that we were by the university, but it didn’t matter. I ran up a hill and there was a construction site there and a bunch of guys jackhammering.

  I ran past them.

  I felt stupid for all of them to see me running but I didn’t stop.

  I kept running and panting and almost dying until I passed them and got to the base of the mountain. I can’t really describe where I was or what it was like because I didn’t know and I was about to pass out.

  All I know was that all of a sudden I was at the base of the mountains where the trails start and I sat down by a tree where no one was around and no one could see me from the road.

  I sat down and then

  I yelled.

  Laurel is pretty funny in class.

  She doesn’t really say things but she laughs at weird times and sometimes she hums.