This is What I Did Read online

  Everyone will look at her but she just keeps humming.

  Girls like Carmen and Vanessa and Mallory think she’s “super dorky.”

  I know because I heard them say that — “super dorky.”

  I don’t know why she does all that weird stuff, but I think she’s funny.

  Here’s how Zyler was: Brave.

  Brave like once, when we didn’t even know where his dad was, Zyler started the dirt bike his dad had in the garage. We’d always wanted to ride it, but we knew we couldn’t even ask.

  But one day we were eating Froot Loops on my front porch and it was hot and boring and there was nothing to do.

  So Zyler said: I don’t even care.

  Before I could think what he’d said, he was already on his bike. I ran to catch up and soon we were at his dirt-yard house.

  Me: What are we doing?

  Zyler: I’m bored and he never even rides it.

  Me: You’re not saying what I think you’re saying.

  He smiled at me and said: Are you scared?

  And yes, yes I was sort of scared.

  Me: I don’t know.

  Zyler: I knew it. You got to get over it, Paloney. You got to live.

  He laughed and so did I. It was a line from our favorite movie, Destinos, and it was supposed to be our motto — sort of. If we had one.

  So we went in the garage.

  Me: Are you going to take it out on the street?

  Zyler: I don’t know yet. I’m not sure if it has gas.

  Me: I don’t think we should take it out there. What if your dad comes home?

  Zyler: I’m sick of my dad.

  I looked at him and he seemed serious. He usually wasn’t serious.

  Me: Yeah, but what if he found out?

  Zyler: He’d kick the crap out of me.

  And he really, really would.

  Me: Then why are we doing this?

  Zyler: Then why wouldn’t we do this? What are we supposed to do? Sit on the front porch eating soggy cereal all day?

  Me: Yeah, yeah we could do that all day. It’s better than getting the crap kicked out of us.

  Zyler: Logan, you don’t need to worry. He won’t touch you.

  It was true. Zyler’s dad had yelled yelled yelled at me but he had never hit me or anything.

  Zyler, however, was a different story. A very different story.

  He had a lot of “household accidents”:

  a broken arm.

  a broken collarbone.

  stitches eight times.

  a couple of black eyes.

  and bruises.

  So we went in the garage and there it was: his dad’s dirt bike. And it wasn’t the biggest bike or anything but it was really cool. Like fast and loud cool and we’d looked at it a ton of times.

  Zyler opened the door to the backyard.

  Zyler: I’m just going to ride it out back and then back in. Then you can if you want.

  I didn’t want.

  He went to the side of the bike where it leans on the kickstand and threw his leg over the lowest part of the seat.

  I couldn’t believe he was doing this.

  I tried to hear if anything was coming down the street.

  Anything.

  Zyler was having a hard time getting it started or something. But when he finally kicked the kickstand back up, a black cloud belched out the exhaust pipe.

  He pulled a lever by his left hand and tapped down with his left foot.

  Dirt bike: Vroom put put Vroom (or something like that)

  The garage funneled the sound of the motor. Then the bike jumped and sputtered out.

  Zyler: I can’t get the clutch to work.

  Me: I have no idea how to work that thing.

  Zyler: It’s not that hard — see, you just pull the choke, pull back on the throttle once, and kick down on the starter.

  Me:

  So then he did it again.

  This time the motor revved and revved and didn’t sputter out.

  Zyler yelling: Oh my crap, this is so awesome!

  Me yelling back: Yeah!

  Zyler still yelling — the motor was really loud: I’m going to take it in the backyard!

  Me: Okay!

  And then I watched him go out the back door of the garage. He sort of jumped at first, but then he was really riding it. He was really riding it, and it was really loud.

  I followed him out there and watched him ride around and around their weedy, trashy dump-yard lot.

  He was screaming and laughing and I had a stomachache worrying his dad would get home, but then I watched him almost pop a wheelie and then I was screaming and laughing.

  We were out there for almost an hour or so: It was so long.

  But it was fun and awful and better than I thought.

  I mean, I didn’t drive the bike but I did sit on back a couple times and we fell over and everything.

  It was so cool.

  His dad never found out. At least not really that I knew.

  Sometimes Zyler didn’t tell me everything with his dad, but when I asked he said his dad never knew.

  I’d never do stuff like that if my dad was like that, but I guess you got to live.

  Another time Zyler said this: My dad isn’t what you think.

  Me:

  Zyler: He bought me this.

  And he showed me his Casio G-Shock watch and said how they’d gone for pizza and drinks and he could order whatever he wanted but he just got a strawberry lemonade and he even got dessert.

  Me:

  Zyler: He’s my dad, Log.

  Me: Okay.

  Zyler: You still don’t get it.

  Me:

  Zyler: He’s all I got.

  Me: Okay.

  Sometimes, before it happened and everything, I’d ride by Cami’s house all by myself.

  I’d do it early with my paper route.

  Those times I didn’t tell Zyler about.

  I didn’t think he’d care anyway, probably.

  But then again, maybe he would.

  I didn’t really know anything.

  After I ran away from Dr. Benson’s office and I yelled and just sat there, I knew I was going to be in trouble.

  I knew Mom and Dad were going to be mad.

  I just hoped they wouldn’t call the police.

  They called the police the one time I ran away at Mulholland.

  But that was clear back when I was eleven and I was mad because Mom had read my journal.

  And she’d found out about how Zyler and I had stolen a couple candy bars from Beeman’s and she was so MAD.

  I remember coming home from school the day she found out and she

  Yelled this: Logan Freeman Paloney, you get in here right now!

  She was in the kitchen and I had no idea what this was going to be about.

  With Mom you never knew.

  Mom: Mr. Beeman called.

  Me: Okay.

  Mom: Don’t you get sarcastic with me, young man.

  Me:

  Mom: He told me that you and Zyler have taken some things from his store.

  At this point I was confused.

  There was no way Mr. Beeman had really called because Zyler had taken the bars back because we felt so bad and he apologized and said sorry for me too.

  I couldn’t go because it was dinnertime and so I had to be home.

  Zyler doesn’t really have a curfew.

  Mr. Beeman was pretty nice about it and actually gave them back to Zy for his honesty. This had all happened like a few months before this encounter with Mom.

  Me: What are you talking about, Mom?

  Mom: Logan. Stop lying. I know the truth.

  Me: No you don’t, and you’re lying.

  Mom: You’re grounded.

  Me: That’s not fair.

  Mom: You are grounded, young man, and that’s it.

  And then she started talking about the neighbors finding out and what about Mr. Beeman and on and on.

 
Later that night when I was sitting pissed on my bed I saw that my journal was the wrong side in on my shelf. I pulled it out and read my last entry.

  March 18

  Zyler and I took candy bars from Beeman’s. We both feel bad. Zyler will fix it.

  That’s all I had written and I hadn’t opened the book since.

  Mom had read my journal.

  I was so mad and mad and mad that I decided I didn’t want a liar for a mom.

  So I packed my pillowcase and snuck out the back door.

  That was the worst runaway I’ve ever done so far.

  And that’s when I found out for real about Zyler’s dad.

  I ran away because my mom lied and read my journal.

  I went to Zyler’s.

  Here’s what I saw when I climbed into his window: Nothing.

  Zyler wasn’t in there, but his light was on and his music was on and his clothes were all over just like always.

  Here’s what I did: Listen to see if I could hear him in the hall or bathroom.

  Here’s what I heard: __________ except the TV sort of.

  Here’s what I did next: Started to climb back out the window because I didn’t want to be there if only Zyler’s dad was there because maybe Zyler had to go get him something. Right when I touched the ground is when it happened.

  Here’s what I heard: A scream. A “No, Dad! Please, no!!” And it was Zyler and it was so loud and shaking and backed into a corner. “NO NO NO!!! PLEASE!!!”

  Here’s what I heard next: Shut up! Shut up you (&*%^% (&*)!!! And his voice was deep and down deep and I could almost feel it deep.

  Here’s next: Please?! Please . . .

  And it was almost a whimper and I wanted him to stop but I couldn’t do anything.

  I just stood outside the window and heard it. I mean I couldn’t do anything because I wasn’t even in the house and I didn’t know where they were and I had to go.

  Then: Scream scream scream. Pound pound pound.

  That’s when I didn’t know what to do so I left and I forgot my pillowcase because I left so fast.

  I’m sorry, Zyler.

  I’m so sorry. For everything.

  I didn’t go all the way home after that.

  I just went to this secret spot me and Zyler have that’s under our huge pine tree by the chain-link fence. You can’t see in from the outside, but if you go under the branches there’s a cave sort of before the branches get thick.

  I went to our spot and tried to breathe.

  I couldn’t.

  And I thought maybe I should go back to Zyler’s, but I knew I couldn’t go back but I should go back, but then Zyler would be mad but then I left my pillowcase and he’d know I was there and he’d want to know why I was there and what I saw and I didn’t want him to know.

  I didn’t see anything.

  I wasn’t really there.

  And so then I heard the sirens because Mom and Dad were looking for me and they couldn’t find me.

  I came out when the cops came and Mom grabbed me and was crying: Don’t ever do that again. Don’t ever do that again.

  Mom and Dad were both hugging me and hugging me.

  But then Mom grounded me again even though she already had and I felt so dumb that the cops were there.

  Them: We are so sorry, Officer.

  Me:

  Officer: It’s all right. Slow night anyway. You keep out of trouble, young man. Quit making your parents worry.

  Me:

  Mom: Say thank you to the officers, Logan.

  Me: Thank you.

  And that was it.

  They both wanted to know everything. Where had I been. What was going on.

  I told them I was in the back the whole time.

  Dad: Didn’t you hear us yelling?

  Me: No.

  Mom: Are you sure?

  Me: NO.

  They looked at each other and then told me to go to bed.

  I didn’t say anything to Zyler either.

  And he didn’t ask, which I was glad about.

  Except he said: You left your pillowcase in my room.

  Me: Yeah.

  Zyler: Stuff fell out and I’m borrowing your Trekkie T-shirt.

  Me: Okay.

  Us:

  And that was it.

  I liked Cami before Zyler did.

  I know that because the day Zyler first saw her, he said: Wow, who is that?

  And I said: Cami Wakefield.

  I knew Cami because her mom and my mom used to do yoga with DVDs together.

  Always at our house because at Cami’s house there was no TV, and she didn’t even care, she said.

  It was when I was a kid and it wasn’t for so long because then Mom decided yoga was bad for her back and so she started doing Tai Chi, but I guess Cami’s mom didn’t want to do Tai Chi.

  So whenever Cami’s mom came over so did Cami.

  She was an only child and that made it so she never had to be in charge of anyone.

  I didn’t play with girls or anything but I had to with Cami, Mom said.

  But it was okay because Cami wasn’t like other girls.

  She was different.

  Like she hated flies so bad she would make big huge plans on how to kill them complete with attack positions and everything.

  And she had this fire red hair that was never just right but always sticking out around and around. Sometimes she’d make me do beauty parlor when she came over, and I felt so dumb but it was funny with the hair spray and all over and then she did mine with food coloring once to see if it would dye and I got in big trouble.

  She wore different color kinds of socks every day and the main thing was her eyes: Sort of too far apart but bright blue.

  I’d never seen eyes so blue before.

  And then Zyler said: Wow, who is that?

  And I said: Cami Wakefield.

  And then, instead of just not doing anything like me (I hadn’t talked to Cami since the yoga stopped), Zyler yelled: Hey, redhead, what’s your name?

  That was near the end of sixth grade when we were hanging around the playground and Cami and her friend Macy were swinging or something.

  Cami: What?

  Zyler: What’s your name?

  Cami: Ask your friend.

  They started laughing and then rode away on their bikes.

  Zyler: How come I’ve never seen her before?

  Me: Because she goes to the Waterford — the private school.

  Zyler: But she lives by us?

  Me: They have the biggest house in the neighborhood — on Oak.

  After that was when we started riding past Cami Wakefield’s house.

  Cami started going to our junior high last year in seventh.

  We saw her more then.

  A lot more than now.

  So the next time at Scouts was okay. I mean the time after knots.

  I can barely remember what we did really. I just remember being relieved because no one talked to me: not Bruce, not Luke, and not Toby.

  Not even Jack.

  Good.

  But then the time after that is when Jack started to hate me.

  We were in Bruce and Jack’s backyard and we were supposed to be learning how to make a fire without matches or lighters.

  Since they have this huge backyard plus a sort of dirt field, Jack had us all build our own pits.

  It was hard work because Jack didn’t want anything to get started on fire or ruin his delphiniums or new deck and the Jacuzzi or anything. So we had to dig big holes for our fire.

  Bruce was mad: Dad, when are we going to have steel wool and batteries in the wilderness?

  Jack: That’s why you pack them with you, Bruce.

  Bruce: Why don’t I just pack a lighter or matches or something?

  Jack: They could get wet; now shut up and get going on your fire.

  Bruce: You shut up.

  And then Jack got pissed at Bruce.

  Really pissed and said: Hey, smart-ass, one mor
e word out of you . . .

  Bruce sort of made a face but Jack saw so he threw his Scout manual at Bruce.

  Jack:

  Bruce:

  Jack went inside to cool down and everyone else was quiet.

  Bruce acted like he didn’t care. That the book didn’t hurt him even if he had a big red mark on his face.

  That’s when he came over to me.

  Bruce: How’s the pit going?

  Me:

  Bruce: Hey, crapstock, are you deaf?

  Me:

  I just kept digging and making my pit.

  Bruce: I know about you.

  Me:

  My heart started going fast and sweating.

  Bruce: I know what happened at your last school.

  By now the others had stopped digging. I didn’t look up. Please, no. Please.

  Bruce: You’re dirty. You’re dirty dirty dirty crapstock.

  Me:

  Bruce: Yeah, my mom told me all about it after your mom called before you guys even moved here.

  Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig

  Bruce: Mom said to be nice but not too nice. Don’t get too close to boys like you. She said not to tell anyone either, but I think it’s time to tell. Don’t you, crapstock?

  Toby and Luke were standing behind him.

  Bruce: You never know what you might do — you MOLESTER.

  Me:

  I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t move I couldn’t think I couldn’t do anything anything anything anything anything anything anything anything anything anything anything.

  So then he was right there in my face.

  Bruce: Did you hear me? You M-O-L-E-S-T-E-R.

  And that’s when I snapped.

  I hit him as hard as I could with the shovel. But it wasn’t so hard because I sort of missed because he was too close or something.

  But everyone screamed and Bruce fell.

  And I jumped on him and he was pushing me off or trying to.

  And there was Luke and Toby but I don’t know what else and dirt in my mouth and I was bigger and I was shoving his face into the ground and they were screaming fightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfight fightfightfightfightfightfightfightfightfight!

  That’s when Jack came out and that’s when I balled up and Bruce was yelling and everyone was yelling and I was crying and crying and that wasn’t the first time or the last time.

  Jack hated me after that and so did everyone else who didn’t already.