This is What I Did Page 8
By the time we were done it was really dark and really cold.
Jack: We’ve got beans and hot dogs and hot chocolate over here.
He and Richard had a fire going.
I had to sit the farthest from the fire because there wasn’t that much room.
I didn’t care.
Later that night.
Jack: I know we brought your bag, Paloney. Maybe one of the other boys picked it up.
Me:
Jack: What do you want me to do about it?
And he was now almost in my face with his flashlight and I wished he wouldn’t be so loud.
Jack: I’m sick of your stunts, Logan. Go to sleep.
I wanted to ask him about the extra stuff my dad had given him and how come he didn’t have that stuff.
But I didn’t ask.
Me:
And so he walked away.
Over to his snow cave.
Me standing there.
Looking at his cave and then over at our cave.
It was ten at night.
And the moon had finally come out from behind the clouds.
Lighter.
Almost bright off the snow and the trees’ shadows.
I closed my eyes and wasn’t with Jack and any of those guys.
Just me and Zyler.
Hanging out.
Like that one night when it was so snowy and we rode our bikes in the blizzard.
Down the middle of the road because there were no cars anywhere.
We didn’t even have coats on but it didn’t feel cold.
And Zyler was yelling things like: Santa Claus is dead! We own you all!
I was laughing. And riding around. And wasn’t even scared about what Mom would say.
The snow landing on my tongue.
On my cheeks.
On my bare arms.
In circles and circles and circles.
And I was not here. Not here. Not HERE. Not here.
I don’t know how long I stood there in the snow
With the moon
And Zyler
And my bike
But then
Bruce: Hey, fairy, bring your flashlight back!
Dad told me that if you had the right equipment, snow mountaineering was the most exhilarating blah blah ever.
But without the right equipment, hypothermia would start and even the strongest men could die.
I weigh 131 pounds and it’s mostly fat.
Not strong.
I had a lot of clothes on and plus some really good boots and gloves.
I walked over to the Scout cave.
It was silent, but then whispers.
I started to crawl in.
It smelled worse than Mack and Ryan farting.
Too many guys.
So I was starting to crawl in when Bruce said: I don’t think so.
Me:
I was just kneeling there and he said: I don’t think so.
Me: What?
Him: It’s not safe.
Me:
Toby: Yeah, we don’t want to get attacked or anything while we sleep. Go dig your own cave.
And then he threw a shovel at me.
It wasn’t a big shovel or anything like that.
Just a small red one you use for snow.
But it still hurt.
Kind of.
And all the guys were laughing and I didn’t care.
I didn’t care except it sort of hurt.
Bruce: Well, guys, maybe we should let him stay in here. It’s really quite cold out.
Me:
I didn’t want to be out there alone and my face hurt and I was cold.
Them: Laughing.
Me:
Bruce: I guess we could let you. But why don’t you try to convince us first. Feed us some of your crap that you fed your parents about how you were innocent.
Me:
Chris: Innocent about what?
Me:
Bruce: Oh yeah. My mom said he hurt this girl real bad. Probably did worse stuff but the girl didn’t say. She won’t talk.
Chris: Really?
Me:
Bruce:
Me:
Bruce: It doesn’t matter. He has a court restraint on him and he probably can’t ever get a job in his life. Dad said that.
The guys were staring at me.
I stared back.
Bruce: I’m tired. Aren’t you guys tired?
Them:
Bruce: We have to get up early tomorrow.
And it was true.
We had the stupid Klondike sled competition and other stuff starting at seven the next day.
They all sort of got into their sleeping bags and they were turning out their flashlights when I saw this: My sleeping bag.
Bruce: Sorry, Logan, we were just kidding. You can sleep in here.
My sleeping bag, over by the far snow wall — all laid out.
I didn’t know who had my sleeping bag and who set it up, but at that point I didn’t care.
Jack probably made them give it to me.
If I died he could get sued.
It smelled seriously sick in the cave.
But I didn’t say anything.
I crawled over and put my pack down.
The sleeping bag really was perfectly laid out.
So I slid in and that’s when
I
Realized.
Them: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Bruce: You really are crapstock, Paloney.
It was all over.
I was all over in it.
I couldn’t breathe.
I
Couldn’t
Breathe.
What to do?
I crawled back out.
Them: Oh, sick. SICK! You stink, man. That is disgusting. Someone light a match.
And on and on and on.
Outside I tried to get some of it off in the snow but it was really all over.
My sleeping bag came flying out of the snow cave.
I tried not to cry.
Me: I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry.
But then I did.
I tried to wake Jack up.
I tried to tell him what they did.
I sort of yelled in his cave: Jack?
The cave:
Me: Jack.
The cave:
And then me louder: Jack!
His head out the hole: What are you doing?! Go to sleep.
And then I said what had happened. I was crying and sort of slobbering and shaking I was so cold from trying to get it off with snow.
And Jack did this: Sort of laugh.
He sort of laughed and said: Go to sleep.
And the head was gone.
This is how the fight between my dad and Jack happened.
After the big blowout bang down crap crap crap crap crap double crap Derby I refused to go to SCOUTS.
Dad wanted to know why.
Dad in my room on Wednesday Scout Night: Hey, Logan, why aren’t you getting ready for Scouts? I could give you a ride.
Me: I’m not going.
Dad: Really? Why not?
Me: I don’t want to.
I sort of yelled it.
Dad: Okay, okay. You don’t have to.
Me: Good.
Dad: Is there anything you want to talk about?
Me: No.
Then all of a sudden Mom was at the door.
Mom: Hey, guys, what’s the word?
Dad: Well, Logan here doesn’t want to go to Scouts.
Mom: What? After that big man-making Klondike Derby campout?
If they only knew.
Me: Yeah. Even after that big man-making campout.
I said it slow and rude.
Mom: Is this about the lost sleeping bag, baby? It’s okay.
Me: I know, Mom. You already said that, like, ten times.
Mom:
Dad:
Mom: Well, then let’s go get shakes. The boys can take care of themselves.
Mom never offered to get shakes or ice cream or candy or anything like that. Never. And especially not without the other kids.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because your dad and I haven’t had a lot of time to talk to you. Just the three of us.
It was something I knew I couldn’t get out of. Their faces showed it.
Me: Fine.
So we went to Iceberg and got shakes.
I felt guilty they were taking me without the others, at first, but then I realized it made sense since everything was about me: Dr. Benson, me getting the best room, the playoff tickets, and now shakes.
In the middle of chocolate chip cookie dough, Mom said: Logan, what’s going on?
I looked at her.
She was all sad again.
Dad: What your mother is trying to say, Logan, is that we love you and we want to help.
Me: Help with what? There’s nothing wrong.
Mom: Come on, Logan. Give us a little credit.
Me: I’m fine.
Dad: At least tell us what happened on the campout. You haven’t talked since you got home and Jack isn’t answering his phone.
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Mom: It does matter. It matters to us and it obviously matters to you.
Me: Uhhh.
Dad: Please?
Me:
Dad:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me:
And then I told them.
I told them about the whole stupid campout.
Every single detail I could because it just came pouring out and I couldn’t stop, but then I did stop when I felt like I was going to go too far. When I felt like I was almost going to tell them everything about even Zyler and Cami.
After that, when we got home,
My dad went straight to Jack and Patsy and Bruce’s house.
In play practice we only had two weeks till the play.
Ms. March: Okay, people. Two weeks left.
Us:
Ms. March: You all need to step it up.
I was nervous because last practice I had to leave for a while to help Mr. Jeffries with something on the tree and they did the Lost Boy and pirate fight scene.
I hoped they didn’t change where I was maybe going to be.
Ms. March: Let’s start with “I Won’t Grow Up.”
I was in that one and everything was the same.
When we got to the fight part, Ms. March said: This scene is still problematic. We might have to restage some of you. Let’s run straight through it and see what we can do.
Me:
And the worst part was right before the scene I saw Laurel in the back of the auditorium talking to Luke.
I don’t think I’m going to get to be in front.
Mom said: Honey, a nice girl called to remind you about a project for Life Skills.
Me:
I had no idea.
Mom: She didn’t leave her name but she said you were in charge of corn dogs and she wanted me to tell you word for word “Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.” Is that for health or something?
Me:
Laurel: Get down!
Me:
Laurel: You just don’t get it. We are being watched. Very carefully.
Me: Whatever.
And then I thought this: What am I doing here? She never really talks to me except behind these bushes.
And I said this: I’m not going to meet you anymore.
Laurel: Why?
And her nose was so crooked.
Me: Because I don’t want to.
Laurel: Why not?
Me:
And then I started to get up.
But she grabbed my hand.
She really grabbed it and yanked me down and kept holding my hand.
Laurel: Listen, Logan. If we’re going to be friends you should probably tell me what happened at your old school and everything.
Me:
She was still holding my hand.
Me: Nothing happened.
Laurel: Come on.
Me: I can’t.
Laurel: You can tell me. I promise I won’t hate you or anything like that.
Me:
I sort of wanted to tell her. To be friends and everything and so she would know the truth.
Laurel: Please?
Me:
Her face — which was usually so loud and whatever she wanted and crooked nose and black pirate makeup — was different.
And I felt sad.
I said: I don’t know.
Laurel:
Me:
Laurel:
Me:
Laurel:
Me: See, now you’re not talking.
And she really wasn’t. She was just sitting there — her head against the orange brick of the building. Her eyes closed.
I guess she didn’t care if her hair got dirty.
Me: Laurel?
Laurel:
Me: Are you okay?
Laurel:
Me: Laurel?
I wasn’t sure if she was breathing.
But then, finally, she opened her eyes.
Her: Please?
Me: Why do you want to know so bad?
Her: I don’t know. Maybe because I think we should be friends. I really want you to be my friend and I don’t know if I can until I know you’re not what they say.
Me:
Dr. Benson says talking about it or going over it will make it better.
He says I have to.
He doesn’t know.
I said to him: No.
Dr. Benson: Logan, it’s never going to be easy.
Me: I know that.
Dr. Benson: But if you can just get it out it will be a big relief.
Me:
Dr. Benson: Could you at least write it down?
Me:
Dr. Benson: Go somewhere alone and just write it out?
I don’t think it will make me feel better.
But maybe.
To just write it all out, even the stuff I’ve never told anyone.
So many people wanted to know what happened.
Where he went after.
I have no idea, I’d say.
That’s all.
But I knew.
This is what happenend:
I saw Cami on Zyler’s street, almost at his house.
It was after the whole family got to eat at Pete’s Pancakes because of Mom’s coupon and we passed her on the way home but
nobody noticed her but me.
Once we got home I said: Can I ride over to Zyler’s real quick? We were supposed to finish this one homework problem.
Mom: This late?
Me: It’s only eight.
Mom sighed and then: Okay. But don’t stay long.
And I didn’t.
I didn’t know I was actually going to go to Zyler’s.
I just said that to get out of the house and see if Cami was still on Zyler’s street and she probably didn’t know it was his street, because how would she know?
Maybe she was just going on a walk and maybe I could talk to her or we could see if Zyler was home or something.
But when I got over there, I was just in time to see her go inside his door.
This is what I was: Mad.
Why was Cami at Zyler’s?
Did they like each other?
Why didn’t he tell me?
And maybe I almost went home, but then I had to see.
I dumped my bike in the side yard and went to try to look in his bedroom window.
No one there.
Lights on.
Zyler’s dad would be mad.
I took a risk and climbed in.
Bump.
But there was music on.
In the front room.
I crawled out in the hall and felt sick.
&n
bsp; Like last time, but this time I really was there.
I heard laughing.
And then talking.
Zyler’s voice: Are you kidding me?
Girl’s voice — Cami’s obviously: Yeah. It was so funny.
Zyler’s voice: How many times has he called you?
Cami: He never talks or anything. He just hangs up, but we have caller ID. Hello?
Zyler: Logan never thinks about stuff like that.
Cami: I could tell.
Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh
And never ever again.
Never ever again.
Ever.
I hate him.
I hate her.
I hate them.
I was slumped against the wall and almost about to leave
But then this:
Cami: Are you sure your dad’s not going to come home?
She was sort of laughing.
Zyler: Nope. He’s gone.
But I couldn’t see anything.
And then there were these sounds.
It almost sounded like they were kissing.
I couldn’t believe it.
Almost loud.
More kissing noises and I really couldn’t believe it. Zyler never kissed girls. Neither of us did.
Cami: You’re kind of good at this.
I wanted out of there. I was out of there. I couldn’t believe it.
But then
But then, right then,
The worst sound.
At first I thought it was like a bunch of guys coming in because it was so loud and crashing things.
But then I realized it was just him and the sound of his voice, but he was raging.
And he was swearing and knocking things and heavy: Who the hell is this? What’s going on?
And then there was this big crash — like a kick or something.
No music.
And Zyler’s dad’s system was worth like three thousand dollars or more. I moved down the hall closer to Zyler’s room — just in case I had to run fast or something. I mean, if his dad looked down the hall and saw me.
Zyler: Dad — what’s wrong with you?
There was something in his voice I couldn’t say.
Zyler’s dad: What’s wrong with me? With me? I told you to never mess with my stuff. And who is she?
Zyler: I’m sorry, Dad. We just barely turned it on and she’s just my friend. She’s no one.
Zyler’s dad: No one?
And then this:
A punching sound.
A crunch on the wall.